So, I Hear You're A Follower

Reading the words you've written, makes me wish my soul was a detachable thing I could rip out and stomp on. I don't know why that is my reaction, but it is. I've been listening to the audiobook version of Looking For Alaska by John Green. Every moment I'm not listening to it the only thing I can feel is a soft pressure against my heart. Like when your whole foot is numb, and you dig your nails in to see how deep the numbness goes, how far you have to go to feel pain. My head swims, and I dread going out tonight. I know I'll see him, and I know though we promised to be respectful something is going to happen. It's his nature. I just hope I'm ready to handle it.

I just want to say I will never stop trying, I can't. It's not in my nature.

It's 1:30 am. I'm sitting in someplace called Netcare access, the suicide hotline in columbus gave me the number. I've been trying for quite some time to get help from someone. Anyone actually. I've called Joshua, who has decided tonight of all nights to call me names (like stupid fat cunt, and whale whore) and to tell he doesn't give a fuck about my problems. I'm stuck in columbus unti/ morning, whenever the banks open. I need to cash a check, I need to go home. But this netcare place is part of my immediate need, which is I do NOT wanns have to sleep in my car. Continued in next post....

..... So far I've just been sitting in this waiting room, crying, with a black man who appearantly doesn't speak english. Unless it's just customary for him to have screaming arguments with someone in a different language in the waiting room of a crisis center, or whatever the hell this place is. By the way in the waiting room there are two vendong machines, one of these dispenses soda, and a bottle costs $1.25! That's enough to make you wanna walk onto 270 and wait for the semi to hit you.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

It's so obscenely Christmas right now, less than an hour from christmas morning and I was jus having some thoughts. I'll share them with you.
1. I want my presents NOW!
2. Truckers must hate Christmas, and most holidays come to think of it. Their families gather and they are on the road, alone, without a warm firplace, or cookies, or holiday specials. I thought of this when I went on my christmas adventure today (to Barnes an Noble). I think a new tradition should be that young, attractive women flash truckers on major holidays. Just to brighten theor spirits and let them know they ae loved. I think I'm gonna try to start that....
3. Babies are annoying. Like SO annoying. I went with my father and step mother to my step mothers parents and there was this baby there, and i swear it wa the most obnoxious baby ever. It (or she I suppose) kept falling on people and wouldn't sit still for pictures, and hugged this sweet adorable cat real hard around the neck. It was by far the worst baby ever.
annd 4. I WANT MY PRESENTS! I know I got a new iPod nano to replace the iPod thta was stolen out of my car earlier this fall. I want it so bad and I know what it is, so why make me wait?? I'll tell you why! Sadism! The parents just LOVE all the excitement and what-not of christmas morning, but I would soo prefer if you just give me my present. (That's how my mom did it, it worked out very well)
BTW, heard the new single from Vampire Weekend today. It's called "Cousins", check it out.

The Long, Rocky Road Home

I've been home, staying at my house while my mother and other family are in Florida. You know it hasn't been as crazy as you think. My step cousin has taken more advantage of it than I have, but I don't really mind. I've had things to deal with, people that have broken off of me forever. The last hack of the axe at a once tall tree of love. I will always think of you as my first love, and there will always be a place in my heart for you. Even if you can kill off that part of yourself so easily, the parts of you that loved me. I cannot. For every time my heart beats, it will think of the times that it once beat for you.

i will always love you. goodbye.

Job prospects look good. You may currently be reading the blog of a future chuck e. Cheese employee...

Thoughts from the Cellular Device of...(1)

Walking up a street, to which I don't know the name I type into my phone because I don't want to forget this thought. I feel as if I've been accepted into some sort of club, a club where trendy girls in their early 20s make small talk with me that feels neither awkward nor forced. I say this because I got my hair trimmed earlier today and the young trendy girl who cut it got along very well with me. The 45 minutes I sat getting shampooed and snipped at we never ran out of conversation. There were no awkward moments. Then just now I stopped at a local coffee shop as I was scoping out the small suburb of Columbus I now live in and the young and trendy barista who waited on me chatted with me before I ordered and well after I received my coffee. More later.

A Curious Thought

So I'm watching Adult Swim earlier, which is a common occurance in my life. King of the Hill is on and notice something that both fascinates and terrifies me. Hank Hill and my father are almost exactly alike. At first I was kind excited about it, as it would really add some humor to my days spent with him in this tiny two bedroom apartment. But then I realize that what happens in the show is funny, because it's not happening to me.
Earlier this evening my dad sat me down and we have a twenty minute conversation argument about my shoes. He claims that my shoes are the reason I'm not getting a job, because they make other people believe I am a vagrant. I disagree. See that's something I think Hank Hill would be concerned about, and he told me he was concerned about my jean collection. Two of the four pairs I own have holes in them, and to him no one over the age of 16 wear jeans with holes in them. It's childish, or so he claims. I just thought that was silly, especially since the holes in my jeans are from wearing them so much, I bought them without the holes. I don't know, I feel lke I've been transported back in time and I'm living with my middle school principal or something(Make it a great day, or not. The choice is yours). I hope this doesn't become a trend, next he'll be asking for my pass book when I get up to pee.

Seems Good?

Long day. Kind of a headache type of day. Moved a carfull of stuff 100 miles north. I only spent half the trip alone, dropped MChinn off in Chillicothe. But the other half was spent thinking, and listening to the best accoustic EP released by any punk band to ever come out of Gainsville, FL(Against Me!, Accoustic EP). I htought about how many times I've made the drive from Portsmouth to Columbus. How I dreamed as a child going to visit dad about living in this city. I looked at the skyline of my new home, and despite the sorrows I feel for leaving my friends, family, and hometown, Icould feel nothing but good feelings. To be honest, I'm excited. Going job hunting tomorrow. Also getting new shoes. This may be good...

More later. Done now.

One of those moments

Freezing cold, wrapped in another persons blanket, I watch the beginings of a sunrise. My breath hangs in the air, like ghosts of what my life could have been. I silently wonder if the tears on my cheeks will freeze before they can roll off my jaw, I realize this thought is silly. My bare feet shiver in another gust of harsh December air as I wish someone would realize how sad I am in this moment and come save me. Forever the damsel in distress, and the ghosts keep dancing. Loveing relationshps that have been destroyed, A plan for my life life lost to a disillusionment of fun and youth. Whose fault is this? No one but my own. I feel like Rose, floating alone in the Atlantic, left with this feeling of betrayal by the fates. This was never supposed to happen. But what ever goes as planed?

John Mayer was so wrong

It's easy to want real life to be a dream, just something you must "rise above", but when you start dealing with the goverenment, collegic insititutions, and pissed off parents it becomes abundantly clear that real life is very, very real. It's real as hell, in fact.
2 months. I've been out of school for two months, and what do I have to show for it? A lv. 35 Lucario on Pokemon: Diamond, some bruises, scars, a $1200 ticket to the city of South Bloomfield, Ohio annnd not much else. It seemed like a good idea, dropping out, I was stressed. Unsure about what I wanted from life, what I wanted to do and be, who I wanted to become. I started seeing a psych, taking some anxiety pills, hoping something would happen that would help me to take care of myself. Well now real life sets in, in a big way. I need to get a job, I need to figure out what I'm doing, I need to realize that I'm 18 and that I NEED to begin taking care of myself. I'm moving away tomorrow. Away from the small town I was raised in, the town I've lived my whole life in, and going to the capital city. The big C-Bus, Columbus, OH. Moving in with my father, whom until tomorrow I've only seen on every other weekend and on some major holidays. Join me? Together we'll figure out what the hell is going on..