Groundbreaking Conclusion

I have, for the most part, officially decided what I'd like to do. I love english, and I love writing, but I can't do well at writing if I don't have my heart and soul in it. So journalism went out the window. Then I focused on being an english major, but I will just end up a teacher with a degree like that.

I considered then teaching. It's in my blood, I mean teachers go back more than a couple generations in my family, and I do happen to love kids. But after speaking to an ex-education major I know now that this job would slowly darken my soul until I hated kids and english and my life in general.

I've been terrified of waking up and hating my life, because of what I do for a living. I don't wanna be the person to change careers a million times because I didn't really think it through (Mom!). But after much internal debate I have settled on something that I'll enjoy going to college for and doing everyday until I die or retire. Well I'll mostly enjoy it, at least it will make me feel good.

I want to be a social worker.

I know that my step mother was a social worker (oops, can I mention her?), but she didn't like it and changed careers. She's now going to school to be a vet tech. I think she'll enjoy this, but I think I'd prefer helping the helpless people.

It actually came down to teaching or social work. Who I wanted to help more, the kids or the adults? Well there's a chance this line of work can be as soul darkening as teaching but I feel confident in this line of working. I feel I'm a good person, you know, in tune with the light side of the force. I think helping people everyday would be pretty hard to be soul darkening.

Did you know?

I'm a HUGE fan of bowls!

Plastic normal bowls..

Fancy Bowls....
Glass bowls...
Bread bowls...
Bowls inside of OTHER bowls....

and all other kinds of bowls......... I just love bowls.

Irrational Fears > Reality

It's an unusual thing, being gripped in the palm of an irrational fear. I feel like I have more of these than I do anything else. Where some fear needles, I fear the wind. Where normal people fear death, I fear being ripped into an alternate plain of being where there is nothing but darkness. This fear is actually what spurred this blog because it is tightening it's grip on me more and more in recent days. River stayed at my home (ex-home now) and in the middle of the night got up to use the restroom. I was half asleep but when she closed my door my thoughts slipped in the dark place where i was suddenly gone form this world, and when I opened my door an expanse of nothingness would answer and I was going to be trapped forever. Then, of course, she returned from the bathroom, my hallway safe and secure behind her. I don't quite understand where this fear came from, but it is getting worse. More and more I close my eyes and fear that when I open the I will be gone. It could also be that this fear is a manifestation of a fear of death, but I doubt that because I have very little fear of death itself, and I have little fear of not existing, it wouldn't bother me to no longer exist in this world, but it would bother me to be in a whole other world entirely.

Bright, Shining, New

"Always this rediculous obsession with LOVE", that is a quote from one of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge. I feel that way from time to time, that I, like Christian, have an obsession with LOVE. Unlike like the sweet, fictional, bohemian poet I have been in LOVE. Twice. I feel lucky to have had it as many times as that, and hope that one day I can find someone and settle on them. Oh, and when I say that I was in LOVE twice I mean the romantic kind of LOVE, not the kind of LOVE I would give to my mother or close friend. Not that these LOVEs are any less of course, they are simply just a different kind.
I deal with loss in interesting ways, well at least I think so. Often when someone I have LOVEd is no longer in my life I blame them, and feel resentful, sometimes even hateful. But these feeling never last. My soul is not one that harbors these negative emotions for long, I am always forgiveing, both myself and anyone who has ever hurt me. It's just in my nature. It's why I'm writing this very blog in fact, because I have reached that point of the eiphany. I always have them and they are always good. I especially like this latest one, because it helps me deal with the pain of loss better than any past experiances. I finally realized that the pain I feel in my heart is there because I miss the people who have strayed away from me, but it is nessisary to feel that because the pain is just showing me what these people meant to me. It is the fingerprint they left on my soul, carving grooves that can never be filled, only worn down farther by those who will come after them. My soul is happy to have them. I will take with me the tiny pieces of those that I have LOVEd for the rest of my life. And thank goodness for that.
There are also some cases where a person must go, must leave for the better of you both. I have realized that and know that our lives will both be better, despite the hurt. It's okay to keep up with their twitter, or randomly check their myspace, just to see how they're doing. I think little things like that help keep you sane, let you that this person whom you have LOVEd so much is okay. (I'm glad you are the happiest happy in happyville, or something to that effect)